Darkness

i hate it when the shadows fall, and all the dark is still. no notes vibrate on the strings of air. no movement. no sound. just the toasted burnt smell of something lurking underneath the darkness. the knick-knock of random sounds that voice out when no one is awake.

when no one is awake. somehow the dark knows it. it knows that all the world has gone to bed and im alone.

University Application Update

One university application a day should keep me going ok, except that I haven't been doing that at all. Well, I am now. I did Uni Freiburg. I'm going to apply for Eastern Slavic Studies! How exciting. Don't you wish you could just study everything at university? I checked out Uni Kiel, but I don't think I'm that interested... or maybe my eyes are too glazed with tiredness. I transferred a music download to the 'Pictures' folder after all. So: fill up the application form, simple simple, and the documents are the same. Tomorrow: Uni Tübingen. Which shouldn't be so bad, unless I ache from the test tomorrow. Silly thing.

Anyway, here's a photograph in which I think I look good.

turrah.

Be We, Who We Are

im sitting here with his cosy long-sleeved t-shirt on me, on top of the spaghetti strap i wear for my pjs. downstairs i was curled up in the den, soft amber light and potted plants, writing in my diary. i was watching a black and white movie, living in a big way (1947), so full of the joys of such films, tapdancing and singing and good-old fashioned straight-talking and manners, and boys who want to be men. the freckled red orchids were in their vases, smiling, i swear, and the contained air of the airconditioner so cool on the glass. my turquoise earring has been changed, but generally i look at my reflection in the glass of the windowed sliding doors and remember our faces in the mirror, him holding me tight to his side, my face small. same thing, cosy in his sweater t-shirt, hair in a mess he made, turquoise earrings dangling.

and i will always remember this, of being so close to him, i lie down and shut my eyes, and him asking me if i was tired, no, but can i take all the loveliness in front of me? and i will remember his hand caressing my hair; his poems coming alive in the moment; the delicious warmth of his body; his skin, crème brûlée; and the moon-hued darkness of the room. and i will remember this, the images we planted in our heads, of crimson sweaters and autumn leaves and laughing on cobblestoned paths for a lunch of beer and pizza. we will be who we are.

A Tired Swan

decked in black feathers speckled with gold, i am but a dying swan. capsules and capsules of time, i'd like, to store pages of storybooks and rune letters and games; sips of roast almond lattes in a cosy corner, just whiling the afternoon away. who snatches my time, who dares? why, what's the precious offer, why the sacrifice?
...ah, but we do things, for sacrifice. we take care of our needs, with no care for our wants. but i know what i want! i want this: this and this. and i chose this.

one day the gold will come trickling down, into my empty hands. my palms will receive them. i will yield coins and banknotes. of precious time. of precious money. of time and money. we need both.

one day my time will come, to look up at the sky, and smile.

Human Beings

people are so frustrating. so dumb, it's frustrating. many times i wonder, "how on earth could people get this dumb?" even the smart ones, even the educated ones! even the people i hang out with - so dumb. it's amazing.