Wunderbar

Ich fühl mich hier so bequem, abgeschminkt und mit seinem großen Pulli an, meine Haare wurde so einfach hoch an meinem Kopf gemacht, und ich will nur hier auf dem Stuhl sitzen, mit dem Kissen hinter mir für meinen Rücken, und die Musik zuhören. Ich kann meine Hausaufgabe nicht machen. Einfach nicht. Mein Kopf schwimmt. Es fühlt sich so leicht, aber es gibt Wasser drin, das weiß ich doch. Und ich will nichts sonst als mich hier zu setzen und die Musik zuhören. Ich bin hier schon fast zwei Stunden, bei diesem Sitzen und Musikhören. Ich will eigentlich nichts besseres antragen und meine Haare schön machen, auch wenn ich ausgehen muss, aber ich weiß, dass das leider ein Pflicht ist. Wenn ich könnte, würde ich eigentlich Zuhause bleiben, aber wenn man Plänen macht, ist es unhöflich, sie einfach abzusagen. Das kann man mit manchen Leuten tun, ich glaube, aber trotzdem tue ich das ungern.

Heute habe ich nur geweint. Ja, ich habe den ganzen Tag beim Weinen verbracht. Weinen wegen der Traurigkeit verlorener Liebe, und weinen, weil ich merkte auch, dass ich ihn immer noch liebte, und weinen, weil ich ihn so liebte. Macht das keinen Sinn? Eigentlich doch. Nach dem Weinen musste ich meine Kraft zurückholen, also habe ich ein bisschen Joghurt gegessen (Stracciatella, mein Lieblingsgeschmack) und dann....einfach da sitzen geblieben. Und so saß ich und blieb da auch für die folgende zwei Stunden. Der Mittag war aber schön, mit meinem Anne Frank Buch zum Mittagessen in einer meinen Lieblingscafes. Also, nicht dass es nicht schön war, hier zu sitzen und so weiter, aber ich fühlte mich ein bisschen schuldig bzw. meine Hausaufgabe.

Also, ich muss jetzt los. Muss gerade ins Kino mit der Alexandria. 

Tarot Cards

Ever felt the yawning hunger stretch your stomach to full heights? Hear the roar from the lion's jaws, full, bellowing in throatiness. Does the empress embrace this lion, fur as rich in gold as her locks of hair flowing down her full robes? This lion is tame. He hurts not. 

German Statement of Intent

im so excited. im writing my statement of intent for my german universities now. i didnt do one for Freiburg and Tübingen - my bad, especially since im quite keen on studying in Freiburg - but im doing one for München, and Göttingen. i really wish to study in München for the things i will be studying, but im not keen with the knowledge that there are some people i know and dont necessarily like who are there. not that we'll have to cross paths, of course, far from it. but still. but i do really have good hopes for München still.

anyway, my statement of intent is going well. it feels so beautiful to be free in language, and express my deepest desires, to study, and study, and why, because im so weird. i hope they understand that, and are sympathetic, or at least empathise. empathy: reminds me of Charles Xavier, suddenly. i like that guy. i really love erik lehnsherr too, actually. his suaveness, his dressing, his charisma, the periwinkle squinty eyes. but Xavier's sense of morals is something else altogether, though i can see where erik is coming from.

i had some chicken and a stem ginger biscuit for lunch just now, so i feel all clean-dunky; it feels good. it feels good to be me.

Bear Tumble

sometimes, in the hollow of my mind, i slumber too.

Sirens' Wait

White oleanders cry out in sweet bloom, 
Redolent of poison, their fall uncharted, 
Across a terrain of white snow, a blanket 
Fallen lazy in winter's sleep, silent in the night, 
To the bugles of faded call. 

the Truth

i love the honesty with which i created this place. the bohemian ideals of Truth, Love, Beauty and Freedom - the four things i stand for. the four things i stand for, with all honesty, not for want of pride or faked coolness, but because i seriously believe, because these are what i genuinely stand for. and that's Truth. so it is with Truth that i shall write, for what no one knows is that the true artist tells the truth. we speak the truth forth, from our lips. poets know the divine. to be silly is to be blessed, said the old languages. but i also delve into my unconscious, where the moon slides a pool, this i must learn to rein in, with Truth, with honesty and integrity. to dive into the silverness and find the remnants of underneath things and creatures. clear perception, no fancy trills. lucid, luna, of the moon.

Darkness

i hate it when the shadows fall, and all the dark is still. no notes vibrate on the strings of air. no movement. no sound. just the toasted burnt smell of something lurking underneath the darkness. the knick-knock of random sounds that voice out when no one is awake.

when no one is awake. somehow the dark knows it. it knows that all the world has gone to bed and im alone.

University Application Update

One university application a day should keep me going ok, except that I haven't been doing that at all. Well, I am now. I did Uni Freiburg. I'm going to apply for Eastern Slavic Studies! How exciting. Don't you wish you could just study everything at university? I checked out Uni Kiel, but I don't think I'm that interested... or maybe my eyes are too glazed with tiredness. I transferred a music download to the 'Pictures' folder after all. So: fill up the application form, simple simple, and the documents are the same. Tomorrow: Uni Tübingen. Which shouldn't be so bad, unless I ache from the test tomorrow. Silly thing.

Anyway, here's a photograph in which I think I look good.

turrah.

Be We, Who We Are

im sitting here with his cosy long-sleeved t-shirt on me, on top of the spaghetti strap i wear for my pjs. downstairs i was curled up in the den, soft amber light and potted plants, writing in my diary. i was watching a black and white movie, living in a big way (1947), so full of the joys of such films, tapdancing and singing and good-old fashioned straight-talking and manners, and boys who want to be men. the freckled red orchids were in their vases, smiling, i swear, and the contained air of the airconditioner so cool on the glass. my turquoise earring has been changed, but generally i look at my reflection in the glass of the windowed sliding doors and remember our faces in the mirror, him holding me tight to his side, my face small. same thing, cosy in his sweater t-shirt, hair in a mess he made, turquoise earrings dangling.

and i will always remember this, of being so close to him, i lie down and shut my eyes, and him asking me if i was tired, no, but can i take all the loveliness in front of me? and i will remember his hand caressing my hair; his poems coming alive in the moment; the delicious warmth of his body; his skin, crème brûlée; and the moon-hued darkness of the room. and i will remember this, the images we planted in our heads, of crimson sweaters and autumn leaves and laughing on cobblestoned paths for a lunch of beer and pizza. we will be who we are.

A Tired Swan

decked in black feathers speckled with gold, i am but a dying swan. capsules and capsules of time, i'd like, to store pages of storybooks and rune letters and games; sips of roast almond lattes in a cosy corner, just whiling the afternoon away. who snatches my time, who dares? why, what's the precious offer, why the sacrifice?
...ah, but we do things, for sacrifice. we take care of our needs, with no care for our wants. but i know what i want! i want this: this and this. and i chose this.

one day the gold will come trickling down, into my empty hands. my palms will receive them. i will yield coins and banknotes. of precious time. of precious money. of time and money. we need both.

one day my time will come, to look up at the sky, and smile.

Human Beings

people are so frustrating. so dumb, it's frustrating. many times i wonder, "how on earth could people get this dumb?" even the smart ones, even the educated ones! even the people i hang out with - so dumb. it's amazing.

Nymphaea Caerulea

Him walking away gaily with the umbrella in hand, along the rain-slick lamplit streets.

"it's like you awoke me, im a lotus in bloom," i said, "a water lily sitting in full bloom of beauty on a pad."

Nymphaea Caerulea - Blue Egyptian water lily 

La Città

i have photographs of memories so wide and spacious pressed close to my heart. in my mind, Us tripping each other, the night, with flashing bulbs of the city, green growth in the wide cracks in between the squares, and oblivious people milling around us, the whole world surrounding us. we are the center. and the sky was a cauldron, up there, someone was brewing a storm. the whole world was covered in this doom. it was breathtaking.

Heidelberg Uni

im going to germany!!!

Blossom Sunshine

today's a blossom day, when the world unfolds like a lotus bloom, sitting serenely on the pondwater, growing in beauty with every passing moment. im in my favourite hat, and the turquoise halter top that a friend from drama class so liked, and a snake bangle and a few others curled 'round my wrist. the sunshine was positively beautiful today, with fingers so soft, to caress, rather than burn. i was listening to elton john and kiki dee's "dont go breaking my heart", and i was grooving, singing along to it. the music travelled up and down my spine in these warm orgasmic pulses till i was tingly with happiness all over and grinning to myself and the sky. the silly rest of the world, "who's that girl in her spot of sunshine?" but what's wrong with my spot of sunshine, and who are they with grey lightning bolts zigzagging their mouths down? i was thinking about music today, a lot about music, as always, and about the velvet underground's (i love that name) "venus in furs", a song that rolls elephants draped in heavy rugs and exotic circuses of the 1900s down on the ground in a masochistically sexual way. i miss that song, i've only heard it twice.

here i take my leave. calls from the skies beckons.

Never-Neverland

sleepy in the hollow is my cephas, one arm folded casually on his grizzly stomach, the other resting and supporting his forehead. today is as wonderful as the breeze that listlessly blows whispers through the air. today i bought a river hat and strode through the streets, the flame of golden buttercups trailing my footsteps. i was lifted in the air, and songs of old tales burst forth from my lips. so good is the day, so good is the wind, so good are us too.

mein Licht

es fühlt sich fast als ob jemand das Licht in mir abgeschaltet hat.